Sigh…
I can’t seem to make friends with people these days. I can’t seem to connect with people. I can’t seem to have a conversation with people. Deep down in my gut, I want to have people in my life that I call friends. I wish I could hang out with people that are my age 21 – 22 – 23 – 24, people who are energetic and live like I am. People, who are random and goofy like I am, people who are playful and many things like I am. People who are happy with their lives, people who enjoy Disneyland, theme parks, like to be fashionable, eating healthy, but few junk foods sometime, like to work out, like to do many fun activities, willing to try new things, like anime, game, books, movies, shopping, educated, ambitious, and goals in life, has dreams and aspirations. Just … don’t smoke because I’m allergic to smoke or drink (only socially).
At my new college, so far, I made two, three new friends that I connect with and laugh with. I want to hang out with them more, but whenever I hang out, with them, they always go to junk food places, cafes, and eat and eat massive amounts of food. All they talk about is food, what amazing food they have tried, how many cookies they ate, and they’re not healthy – at least, bigger size than I am. I have no problem with oversized people. I am one of them.
I, on the other hand, I don’t want to eat until I’m bloated, I don’t want to eat triple stacked burgers with extra cheese, and extra toppings, and extra coke and extra cakes, and many more. I want to be healthy, I can’t eat like them, and I would gain weight. I’m concerned about my weight. I was always the chubby kid in my family; I don’t want to be chubby anymore. I want to be thin, fit in different and beautiful clothes that fit very well and make you look really nice.
Few weeks ago, I started dating again … he’s a good guy, really good guy, he’s a very good looking guy too and I want to attract him even more than I do now. He tells me that I’m beautiful, I’m perfect, I’m amazing, but I want to be even more attractive, by being fit, at least when I wear tight jeans, my thighs and belly do not over hang, or look nasty through the fabrics.
I see those girls walking through the mall, or movies, or outside at the pool resting, sun tanning, or going to anywhere outdoors with their friends, laughing and smiling and they’re perfectly fit, at least healthy —- at least do not eat junk food 24/7 —- I see them, and I see myself, I’m always by myself, I always go shopping by myself because my high school or last college “friends” are always broke – I don’t want to hang out with someone who is always broke, every time I call them, they are broke, when we hang out, I pay for their everything and most of them don’t seem to notice that I’m paying, don’t even appreciate. —- I used to pay for them, such as movies, dinner, lunch, food in general, clothes, favorite poster, CD —- eventually, I got tired of it. I realized what I was doing. I realized how they’re taking advantages of me. I don’t want to feed their mouths, they’re not my children, they’re not my family members, I don’t owe debt to them, so why do I have to pay for them, for their everything? I work hard for my money because I work! I go to school full time and work! I tell my friends all the time when they say they’re broke, “ get a job, apply, that movie theater is accepting applications, go apply, you’ll get the job, my other friend got it on the spot, lets go get the job” —- and their answers are literally – “NO, I’m busy playing games on my computer, my xbox, playstation.” What? -_______-
After graduating my community college, I learned and realized how “NICE” and “NAÏVE” I was – and I learned from it. I decided not to waste my time with people who aren’t worth my time, people who will just use me, and make me feel bad. I don’t need those kinds of people.
I know I’m a good friend. I can be a good friend, sure I have done things in the past that I regret and wish I could go back in time and change them, but I can’t. I have learned a lot from my mistakes I have done, and I will never do it again, I don’t want to repeat the mistakes I have done. I’m mature now. I’m independent now; I can take care of myself now. I can be a good friend and I am a good listener. I am also a quick learner, I can be funny, and I can be fun.
I guess I’m a very lonely person who wishes she could have a group of friends that has the same interest as her
Summer is approaching fast, it’s next month, I don’t want to be lonely this summer. Sure I have my boyfriend, but … I want to have people in my life that I call friends and love them, cherish them, and treat them the way I want to be treated. <3
